(2-minute read)
Staying Connected with Your Tween or Teen: Building a Relationship Through Everyday Conversations
Hi Devora,
I wonder if there are others like me who would be interested in hearing more about this age group of “tweens”…as teenagers seem to be getting younger and younger! How can we get them to still accept hugs & kisses, to still feel comfortable sharing about their day, not to think we’re old fashioned (or just plain old lol!).
I’d love your insight!
A Mom of a Tween
Dear Mom of a Tween,
You are definitely not alone! Many parents find the tween and early teen years to be one of the most challenging years in parenting (but it doesn’t have to be that way). As children grow more independent and their peers become more important in their lives, it can feel like they’re slipping away. How do we keep them close, maintain open communication, and stay relevant in their lives—without being seen as “old-fashioned” (or just plain old ????)?
Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing practical strategies to help strengthen your relationship with your tween while respecting their growing independence.
Step 1: Listen, Listen, Listen Without Judgment
By the tween years, your child already knows your values and expectations. If they come home and tell you about a mistake they made or a problem that happened at school, resist the urge to immediately correct, scold, or preach. Instead, focus on listening.
???? Be curious, not corrective. React as if you’re a friendly teenage neighbor, not a parent on high alert. Ask open-ended questions in a calm, chill, nonjudgmental tone, such as, “What happened next?” or “What did the teacher say/do?” rather than jumping in with warnings or advice.
???? Avoid shutting down conversations. Remember that a child’s experiences at home become their template for life. One of my high school students struggles with making lasting friendships, often switching friends every couple of weeks. One day, she came home eager to share a story about a classmate’s misbehavior. Her mother quickly interrupted: “I don’t want to hear it—it’s lashon hora (gossip).” While well-intentioned, this response immediately ended the conversation, closing the door on an important opportunity for connection with her mom. If mom had consistently listened to her stories without judgment, this would have possibly enabled my student to experience, and thereby create, a template of a consistent, long-term, caring relationship with others.
(If you’re concerned about lashon hora, consider asking your local rabbi whether, for the sake of bonding with your child, you may listen without believing the details or harboring negativity in your heart.)
The key takeaway? Your tween needs a safe place to share her experiences. If they know they can talk to you without immediate judgment, they’ll be far more likely to continue sharing—even as they grow older.
Stay tuned for next week’s post, where we’ll explore more strategies for keeping the bond strong through these formative years!
With warmth,
Dr. Devora