(2-minute read)

A recent session with one of my students brought to life a principle from the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish: “Until the bad feelings come out, the good feelings can’t go in.”

Last year, one of my high school students struggled to stay quiet, respect her teachers, and complete her classwork. Over time, her behavior improved and she even began asking me to help her with her friendship skills.

I didn’t hear from her at the start of the current school year and hoped that all was well. But then, at the end of October, her mother called urgently, asking me to meet with her.

When we met a week later, my student was fuming—anger radiating from her every word and action. Rather than diving into solutions, I invited her to express her resistance. “Let’s write down all the reasons you don’t want to come here,” I said. She listed two: “I don’t want to come” and “I don’t want to come after school hours.” Simple yet powerful. I assured her that we could adjust her appointment to fit within school hours and shifted the focus to her emotions.

Using an emotion web, I prompted her with, “If I could change my life and make it the way I want it…” This opened the door to her three wishes—one of which was “No School.” We explored alternatives to traditional schooling, though she wasn’t convinced her parents would agree.

In our follow-up sessions, we began dissecting her dislike of school. She had A LOT to share.

In the third session, we listed her grievances with each teacher. Then, something remarkable happened. As she shared, she realized that some aspects of school weren’t so bad.

She started differentiating between the teachers:

• “This teacher is boring and annoying.”
• “I like her, but I don’t like the subject.”
• “I don’t like the teacher, but I like how she teaches.”

By the end of our session, she was ready to flip the script. On the next page of her notebook, she drew a big heart and titled it, “The things I do like about school!” She filled it with an unexpected list: favorite subjects, teachers she appreciated, her classmates, recess, structure, and even midterms, finals, and tests!

This process didn’t erase her challenges, but it helped her see a more balanced perspective—and opened the door to potentially finish high school with acceptance, calm, and peace.

Sometimes, the biggest breakthroughs come when we allow kids to experience and share their negative feelings. By letting my student vent, it created space for positivity to emerge organically.